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HEAR A GUY?S HURTS HIS LOVELIFE?S LESSONS by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

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HEAR A GUY?S HURTS HIS LOVELIFE?S LESSONS by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.
HEAR A GUY?S HURTS HIS LOVELIFE?S LESSONS by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

HEAR A GUY?S HURTS HIS LOVELIFE?S LESSONS by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D. www.schooloftantra.com sashalessinphd@aol.com

Give all-chakra satisfaction to a man; you?re Giver. The exercises below gives the man the support and emotional access he needs for integrated sexual and spiritual connection in lovemaking.

Based on Hendrix, H., 1988, Getting The Love You Want, NY: Harper, 1991, Getting The Love You Want: A Couples' Workshop, NY: Institute for Relationship Therapy and Lessin, S., 1991, Heighten Your Holos, Wailuku: School of Counseling

Giver: Read the bold cues below to him. Where you see * * *, he responds. Where you see this symbol ###, you respond. Center and calm yourself. Remain neutral as to his content and present for him, no matter what he says. But shield yourselves in case he says you hurt him. Where you need to respond, you'll see this ###.

The Receiver lies across your lap.

Giver: Tell me about an UPSET, frustration, problem or issue you have with me or a lover, using this formula. "When you (s/he) ... , I feel ... and react by ... to hide my fear of ... because what I really want is ..."

"When you [s/he [or ?]?fill-in person?s name] ... ***, [State upsetting behavior]

I feel ... ***

and react by ... ***

to hide my fear of ... ***

because what I really want is ..." ***

Is there anything else you'd like to say about that? *** [When he?s said as much as you can remember, read the next cue.]

Wait. Let me know if we?re getting you right. You're saying ... ### [Paraphrase.]
[If he corrects you, paraphrase him corrections and ask if you've got them right till he says, ?Correct.? Keep paraphrasing and asking if there's more until he says all he wants.]

You make sense, because ... ###

I imagine you must feel ... ###

Is that what you're feeling? ***

Close your eyes. Recall in your CHILDHOOD when someone upset you the way I [or ?] did. Nod when you do.

[After he nods] How old were you then? ***

Describe the scene at that time in the present tense, as you relive it. ***

What emotions did you feel? ***

Feel those feelings now. Sink into them. Amp, then EXPRESS the feelings to your parent (or other person), as though she or he were here and you could say everything. ***

What did you decide as a result of this upset? What did you gain as a result of this decision? ***

What would you like to do that you didn't do? ***

Pretend I'm your ... [mother/father/other person involved (Choose one)] in the upset. What?s living with me like?

What's your deepest hurt with me, your [mother/father/other person involved [Choose one] in the upset ? ***

What would you like to say, if you could express yourself to the maximum without ill consequences to me about this hurt? ***

If you could rewrite a script about this deepest hurt with me, what would that be? Tell me, and I?ll act-out your [mother/father/other person involved [Choose one] in the upset ? ***

[Enact the other person in the alternate scenario he relates; be mother/father/other person involved while Receiver?s himself in the made-up alternative story.]

Imagine you go back to WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, perhaps 5 years old, but it could be younger or older. Wake up in the bed or place where you slept. Wake into the awareness of your inner, feeling Child, the vulnerable one under whatever protective roles you've already learned.

Notice the room from your Child's perspective. Notice the decorations, toys, other people in the room in which you waken.

Wander through your house and yard. As you do, meet each person, pet, imaginary playmate and ghost (if you felt them) who influenced you deeply as a child. See each of them more clearly than ever before. Tell me who you see and HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT EACH of them. ***

Tell me what you LIKED AND DISLIKED about being with each of them. ***

Say what you wanted but DIDN'T GET from each of them when you were growing up. ***

Tell me, from the perspective of your Inner Child, what you ENJOYED with each of them as you were growing up. ***

Say what SCARED, HURT AND MADE YOU ANGRY when you were growing up. You may cry if you wish. *** [Silently empathize with the feelings your partner shares, as though they were your own experiences. Allow plenty of time.]

What else scared or hurt you? ***

[If you're your partner's mate, read this sentence (if not, read the alternate sentence below.)] Tell me what I can do to help you start healing the hurts you shared. Say what you want and specific THINGS I CAN DO as a gift to you to help you heal. ***

[Alternate sentence, if you're not your partner's mate] What can your mate(s)/future mate(s) [Choose one] do to help you heal?" ***

[Everyone read this sentence to partner] Let me know if I'm getting you right. You're saying ... ###

Correct me, if I didn't get you exactly right. *** [Finish the sentence, paraphrasing (saying in your own words) what your partner's been saying.] [Paraphrase again ###, if you're corrected.]

[Sentences for mates only to read:] I'll do it this week; I'LL GIFT YOU WITH ... ### [say what you'll do; or, if the behaviors your partner asks of you are impossible for you now, say,] Give me other options that'll make you inner Child start healing the hurts. *** [Say which option you'll take. ###]

[Everyone read the rest of the sentences to your partner] Now imagine, you return to your childhood sleeping place and fall asleep there. Dream you?re grown up, and doing an exercise from the Tantra Practitioner Training in which I?m holding you as you explore your inner Child. Gradually wake up, make eye contact with me.

Let my arms represent your Ideal Mother/Father's capacity to love and encourage you. My voice'll speak for her/him--telling you what you need to hear, words to help heal old hurts that limit you more than you want. [Gently hold partner]

Imagine you're small--you're [partner's name]'s Inner Child--and I'm your Ideal Mother/Father. Absorb these sentences in your child psyche*
[ Based on Rosenberg, J., Body, Self & Soul: Sustaining Integration, Atlanta: Humanics, 1985.]

"I love you. I want and cherish you; you're special to me.

"I feel, hear and see you.

"You're safe; I'll protect you.

"I'll look after you, take good care of you.

"My love makes you well.

"I sometimes, from love, I say, `No'.

"Trust me.

"I'm always here for you.

"I love who you are. And I'm proud of who you are, whatever you do.

? I love your looks. I enjoy your intelligence. Your creativity delights me.

"I want you to enjoy your body. I want you to savor your sexuality and enjoy touching your genitals.

[for all] "I love you whether you're like me or different.

?You can love many.

"Follow your inner voice.

"Do it. You can.?

Tell me anything else you'd like me, as your Ideal Mom\Dad to say? *** [Say it.]

Now open your eyes. See me, your partner.

Tell me what I, your partner, can do to encourage and nurture your inner child right now. ***

Now I'm stepping out of roleplaying. I'm your Giver, your date again.

[If you are indeed his lover, say] I'll perform the 5 healing services. This week at these times, I'll gift you with ... ### [say what you'll do; or, if a behavior he asks is impossible for you now, say,]. Give me another option (I can agree to) that addresses the same frustration. ###

Finish this sentence: ?When you gift me with the five healing services, I'll shrink my fear of ... ; then I?ll feel ... ***

Guide Him to Reparent Himself

?Imagine an Ideal Parent. An Ideal Parent feels, always felt, and will always feel about your Inner Child the way the Child needs and says what your Inner Child needs to hear. Invoke your Ideal Parent then move to a new seat, a seat for you to enact Ideal Parent. On this seat, embody, enact, become Ideal Mother/Father. Which are you?

Hi, glad to meet you, [Receiver's name]'s Ideal Mother/Father [choose]. Tell me your main attributes, qualities and characteristics. How do you, Inner Parent, feel and act toward [his name]'s Inner Child? What do you want him to consider in love and sex?

Thank you; I enjoyed meeting you. Let return to him original seat. Separate from your Ideal Parent.?

Now I'm stepping out of roleplaying. I'm your Giver again.

Say what you need from me to help heal the hurts you shared. Give me five specific behaviors this week. I?ll write them for you. ***
[1]

[2]

[3]

[4]

[5]

I'll perform the 5 healing services. This week at these times, I'll gift you with ... ### [say what you'll do]

[Or, say,] Give me other options (we can agree to) that addresses the same frustration. ###

Finish this sentence: ?When you gift me with the five healing services, I'll shrink my fear of ... ; then I?ll feel ... ***
* CTP 108 (1) If you?re male, have a partner take you, as Responder, through Heal His Hurts, then fill in the blanks for the upset you processed with the formula: "When you (s/he) ... , I feel ... and react by ... to hide my fear of ... because what I really want is ..."

* CTP 108 (2). If the man you took through though Heal His Hurts is a friend or lover, to what behavioral requests did you commit? If you?re not in relationship with your Receiver, what requests based on Heal His Hurts did you create for someone who would be your healer?

* CTP 108 (3) Whatever your sex or orientation, as Facilitator take a man through Heal His Hurts, then fill in the blanks for the upset he processed with the formula: "When you (s/he) ... , I feel ... and react by ... to hide my fear of ... because what I really want is ..."

*CPT108 (4). What requests did your partner make of you or of the absent or hypothetical person of whom he would made requests based on Heal His Hurts?
LOOK AT HIS LOVE LIFE

Feel your genitals--your sexual chakra; notice your heart, your love chakra.

Reconsider your lovers from days gone. Tell me their names, I?ll write them. ***
Lover 1 [Write it]
Lover 2
Lover 3
Lover 4
Lover 5
Etc.

For each lover on this list,
a) Tell me the YEARS you were involved and how old you were, *** [Write them next to the name indicated]

b) Say WHERE you were when you related to her, the key EVENTS in your relationship *** [Take notes next to the name indicated]

c) Tell me your EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL SHARING with each. ***

d) Tell the DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS YOU COMPLETED with each.

e) Summarize the events, sexual and emotional sharing and the developmental tasks we?ve experienced together. ***

f ) Imagine [Lover 1: Say her name] is before you. Toward her, express your LONGINGS, what you wished you could have shared with her or him. ***

g) Express to her or him any WITHHELD FEELINGS, things you didn?t get to say.***

h) Tell her or him your RESENTMENTS ***

i) As you imagine her or him before you, tell her or him your DEMANDS, what you really wanted from her or him ***

j) Say, to her or him, your APPRECIATIONS ***

k) Tell her or him what you REGRET. Tell her what you FORGIVE her or him for ***

l) Tell [Lover 1: Say her or his name] WHAT YOU LEARNED from being together. ***

m) FORGIVE YOURSELF aloud for not doing better. ***

n) Bid her or him FAREWELL. ***

o) How, if you had it to do over, would you DO BETTER in the relationship with [Lover 1: Say her name]? ***

p) How can you apply that improvement to your relationship with me? ***

Imagine [Lover 2: Say her name] is before you. Toward her or him, express your LONGINGS, what you wished you could have shared with her or him. ***

Express toward [Lover 2] any WITHHELD FEELINGS, things you didn?t get to say fully ***

Tell her or him your RESENTMENTS ***

As you imagine her or him before you, tell her your DEMANDS, what you really wanted from her ***

Say, to her or him, your APPRECIATIONS ***

Tell her what you REGRET. Tell her what you FORGIVE her or him for ***

Tell [Lover 2: Say her or his name] WHAT YOU LEARNED from being together. ***

FORGIVE YOURSELF aloud for not doing better. ***

Bid her or him FAREWELL. ***

How, if you had it to do over, would you DO BETTER in the relationship with [Lover 2: Say her or his name]?

How can you apply that improvement to your relationship with me/a lover [select appropriate object]? *** - Unsubscribed , posted 12/17/05

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